…and just where do healthy relationships start?

I think it’s not too far fetched for some of us to attest — the real life relationships we have, often, sadly fail to live up to the thoughts, fantasies and longings we have picked up somewhere along the grandiose path of life.  Many of us have reasons for thinking, acting and feeling the way we do, when it comes to relationships.  Some of us may feel as though what (and who) we wished for in the past was cruelly denied — so now is the time to reconcile the past… Then there are those of us who wear a thick crown of jagged thorns, carrying with us heavy baggage past relationships have left us stranded on the side of the road with.  Let’s not forget about those who perpetually settle for the oh so much less than stellar “safe” relationship lacking just about everything except the quasi comfort of a warm body…at times.  There are also, however, some of us who have been fortunate enough to have no disconnect when it comes to the art of healthy relationships.  If that isn’t you, how then, could a healthy relationship even be possible?

Last week, I shared details of a period in my life — when the pain of staying the same outweighed the discomfort of shifting my focus — and venturing into unknown territory to possibly change.  There is an old adage — “When the student is ready, the teacher will appear” — that idea has played an important role in repairing a part of my life that, to me, was so damaged, dysfunctional and unconscious – that I was suffering in many ways a a result.  What I wanted from life — and what I was actually experiencing in terms of relationships could be summed up with the word antithesis.  In an unpredictable mirage of things that happened, somewhere in the past, the opportunity for healing and resolution presented itself — and I embraced it completely.  The solution was an idea, a concept, a thought that I made the conscious decision to follow up with dedicated and disciplined action steps so I may understand, with greater conscious.  Fortunately, the set of actions I put into motion in my life, (which I have detailed step by step in eBook format) led me along a path that paved the way for tremendous growth that included the ability to have (and enjoy) what I now consider to be a healthy relationship (with myself).  Interestingly, the teacher…the coveted teacher, ended up being an invisible force that so often gets overlooked (even cast aside) in favor of something, more tangible… The teacher ended up being intuition stemming from the willingness to venture into the unknown and tap into a force within the casing of something so much greater.  Myself.

I shared the idea of never having to be lonely again — even healthy relationships, but the change… it certainly didn’t happen overnight…

I’m not gonna pretend to be some sort of expert on how energy moves in the human body, but I will, however, surmise that what happened when I reached the point of what I refer to energetic orgasm that I discussed in a previous post, a lot of things changed, internally as well as externally for me.  For starters, I seemed to be so much more aware of how things felt outside of myself.  For example, (and maybe this was in my head) I began to notice how I felt around other people a lot more in many ways. If someone was curious, or paying attention in my general direction, and I was in proximity, I felt it.  If someone in proximity was upset, I could feel that to a much greater extent than I had before.  I was also more keenly able to tune into romantic or sensual energies that weren’t necessarily being put out there by myself.  It was strange and exciting at the same time — finally arriving at the crossing point of a threshold that prevented me from being more conscious on so many levels.

There could be many sane, rational – even scientific reasons for this, but in retrospect, I tend to think that by letting go and releasing a lot of the noisy baggage I was constantly carrying around with me, I was in turn, able to simply tune in, more effectively, to what was already there.  Naturally, I became curious.  A bit egotistical too.  It seemed as though I was able to “direct” more of what happened around me, in certain ways, by saying less – and “manipulating” what I will call (for lack of more appropriate terms) my energy field.  Where I noticed this mostly, was in the ability to seemingly meet women I was attracted to from a physical perspective and more rapidly establish a level of rapport and comfort that would inevitably lead to sexual intensity — and naturally physically connect in a much deeper way than I had before.  Not only that, I was also, effectively able to extend the experience to the extent that I never again, had to worry about the “train leaving the station before all passengers were aboard” — and when the train did leave the station, it did with such intensity that it (felt as though) was an act of God there was not derailments.  I never knew orgasms had the potential to be so intense.

All of that wonderful stuff had been previously unknown.  So…for a few months, I embraced my newly inflated ego, along with a childlike desire to “play with my new toy” and went to town, so to speak…Some people believe in karma, others tend to think that life has a way of eventually balancing out – while others, yet, don’t give the concept any more than the curt judgment “thoughts like that are for whack-jobs.”  It’s not up to me to make that stuff right or wrong, but I will let you know — after a few months of glistening in an egotistically shiny after-gloat, life balanced out.

Short, sweet (except not really) and to the point, I had my first stalker.  Then I had my feeling hurt.  Badly.  After that I met someone whom I really liked — a lot, who thought of me as nothing more than “Platonic Paul.”  How’s that for healthy relationships?  In so many ways, there I was, back to square one…

But not really.  Despite my rather undesirable position as “Platonic Paul” (a nickname I gave myself in her presence in the many times I plead my case as to why I should have been more than just friends) I decided to accept what was in front of me the best I could.  Ironically, that was a friend.  Someone who seemed, in so many ways, to be a female version of how I was.  Of course, we did have our differences, but in all the ways important for close friends, we were very much alike.  Also, ironically, she seemed very familiar in  strange way…

Over the course of two an a half years, she and I became very close.  Something I would not have been willing to do prior the experiencing the meditation (if you want to call it that) that I now think of as “Soulistic Touch” — but there I was, allowing myself to feel vulnerable and much more.  The much more part could be thought of as internal darkness.  Powerful emotional feelings, inner conflict and lack of understanding that remains dormant until the “right” conditions are present.  Similar to a “perfect” storm.  In my case, the potent ingredient that aroused all of these dark feelings I had not had the opportunity to “deal with” was the sensation of desire for another human being that I deeply cared for and about.  I wanted nothing more than to hold her in my arms, to feel the warmth of her body and to make love with her in ways she had never been touched before.  Selfish?  Absolutely.  Not once, however, have I claimed that I wasn’t ever a glutton for punishment.

Getting back to the story…the most uncomfortable part of the equation for me, was there was an actual friendship of sustenance – something I had wanted for years, to be able to experience with a woman before actually crossing the holy threshold and uniting in divine sexual union.  The thought that drove me crazy was “What if that never evolves into being?”  I certainly wasn’t shy about sharing my feelings with her.  In fact, it was a practice that became a somewhat regular part of our friendship.  Me pleading and her being diplomatic in rejecting my advances.  After all, we were, eventually — roommates, so my advances and feelings were understandably, natural to share with a close friend (in my rationalizing mind).  The bevy of feelings I went through in that two and a half years of my life were enough to drive just about anyone, who wasn’t a deeply genuine friend — far away from me.  I was experiencing many feelings that hurt.

Desire, especially when there’s someone on the receiving end of that desire, who you have more than a casual longing for, gets really strange.  It’s the type of thing, for me at least (as I cannot speak for others) that pushed me to the edge in many ways, for a long time.  In the beginning of the journey I thought I was cleverly engaging on, all I wanted was to be able to experience healthy relationships.  What I felt I was going through, however, was completely chaotic emotional turmoil.

My masturbation habit was, how should I put this…extra-ordinarily filled with lots of motivation and inspiration?  Maybe, but the non sugar coated version would be more along the lines of straight up obsessive.  Emotionally — times were very interesting.  I never knew jealousy could be so intense, or that what I thought of as love could hurt so badly.  But somehow I knew, with all me being — if I was not able to not only deal with, but grow from, accept and understand the feelings I was experiencing, it was certain — they would repeat themselves until I was able to embrace and heal (understand with higher conscious) them.

At what point, does chaos render the thought of healthy relationships a pipe dream?

That, I wasn’t certain of.  But eventually I was able to accept my feelings and accept that I might not have the type of relationship I thought I wanted.  I came to terms with my desire to control the environment as well as how much discord in my life that desire was causing me.  It was one of the hardest things I had ever done.  On an emotional level, it was, perhaps, the most difficult feat — in terms of all that that choice and acceptance represented.  I might not ever get to experience all that I dreamed of and desired.  That was ok.  Had it not been for what I think of as the 4-degree shift “Soulistic Touch” allowed me to reach, I simply would not have had the mindset or wherewithal to “subject” myself to two and a half years of encountering and wrestling with a darkness that resided deep within, lurking, waiting for the ideal circumstances to boil over to the surface.  What made it even more intense, was the woman whom I fell in love with, was so similar to whom I eventually “saw” in Soulistic Practice.  That was a real mental bender for me.

Finally, I let go.  I’m not talking about a half (or less) hearted “affirmation”  — “I now release this desire to the universe” type of utopian self help gibberish.  I really let go.  I accepted not having.  I accepted my life.  I accepted moving on.  I accepted and wished for her to be happy as well.  I even felt lighter.  Happier.  More filled with a willingness to live, embrace life, move forward and live.

Literally, a day after I had done that, things changed.  The very next night we made love — on a date we both think of as our anniversary.  That was also an evening in which many things I did not understand about sexual energy occurred, traversing the mind to another plane, piercing a veil – opening a door I never even knew could be accessible – through erotic energy…which was similar to an out of body experience I had — and something I will elaborate on in my next post.

In closing…I really couldn’t even begin to promise, or even suggest the experience I had could be guideline for others.  I, to this day, don’t feel as though any advice I could give a person is of deeply penetrating, life-altering  value.  I feel that until you have an experience, it’s all just a story.  Personally, I have no idea what journey might open up ahead of you.  There are just so many possibilities — and there is really only one way to go about discovering, and I think you know that that is — and it starts with a choice…

Namaste,
Paul